The DIVORCE BETWEEN GOOD PARENTS
When I read this quote from a family court judge, I was astonished by how much I reacted: Not only should this be required reading for all divorced parents, I thought, but there must be steps to implement it somehow!
“Remember this, because every time you tell your child what an 'idiot' his father is, or what an 'idiot' his mother is, or how bad an absent parent is, or the awful things this person has done, you are telling the child his bad half.
Think more of your children and less of yourselves, and make of yourself a kind of selfless love, not foolish or selfish, otherwise your children will suffer.
The loneliness, confusion, and anxiety of being a child torn between his parents, and the anxiety and stress of dealing with all the complexities of a divorce that parents go through, can only be described as horrible.
For all divorced parents
Your children came into this world because of you. Perhaps you both made poor choices about who you decided to be the other parent. If so, then this is your problem and your fault. No matter what you think of the other end—or what your family thinks of the other—these kids are half of each one of you.”
When I read this quote from a family court judge, I was astonished by how much I reacted: Not only should this be required reading for all divorced parents, I thought, but there must be steps to implement it somehow! Of course I know it's not possible, but I feel it should be! Here is the rest of the quote:
“Remember this, because every time you tell your child what an 'idiot' his father is, or what an 'idiot' his mother is, or how bad an absent parent is, or the awful things this person has done, you are telling the child his bad half. It's unforgivable to do to a child. It's not love. It's property. If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as if you cut them to pieces because that's what you do with their feelings.
I sincerely hope you don't do this to your children. Think more of your children and less of yourselves, and make of yourself a kind of selfless love, not foolish or selfish, otherwise your children will suffer. ”
Judge Michael Haas - Family Court Judge, Minnesota, USA
I myself am the product of two divorced parents, also what you might call a "multiple divorcee" while raising a child. I know myself how painful it is - to be in both situations. The loneliness, confusion, and anxiety of being a child torn between his parents, and the anxiety and stress of dealing with all the complexities of a divorce that parents go through, can only be described as horrible. It's easy to see why parents sometimes fail to notice how deeply children are affected by the changes in their world and the adjustments they must make.
My own experience played an important role in my choice to become a child divorce counsellor and advocate. Over the past two decades, I have spent much of my practicing time helping divorced parents create more mindful and mindful transitions for their children and, in many cases, helping them develop collaborative and shared parenting that has resulted in their children adjusting well. Adults who have a good relationship with both parents. This, as you might imagine, is not easy, but it is nonetheless possible and can be relatively free with the right support!
At the beginning of a family breakup, it can be difficult to know what causes the least possible harm to children. There are certainly many different beliefs and schools of thought on this subject, and ultimately, in most cases, parents are the people best equipped to know the needs of their children - as long as they are not immersed in their own emotions and agendas. Judgment becomes dark. Unfortunately, this is often the case.
The good news is that there are some basic considerations and some subjective questions that can go a long way in helping parents gain clarity and increase their ability to "do right" by their children.
Thinking about hiding How do you feel?
As parents, we want to protect our children and we may think that we are hiding our pain and distress and that our children are not aware of how we are feeling. We can also assume that since the child does not show any anxiety or sadness, he is handling the situation well. But none of these assumptions are reliable. For a variety of reasons—depending on age, scene, mood, and family dynamics—children will keep their sad feelings inside.
A six-year-old I was working with was convincing his parents that he hadn't been bothered by their divorce for more than two years. In the end, he had nightmares so often that his mother called for help. The young man said to me with a proud smile; "I have a lot of bad feelings, but no one knows because I keep them all inside of me! You see, I don't want my mother to feel any worse."
Needless to say, the focus of my sessions with him became helping him find and accept ways to express his feelings. Like many children in the same situation, he played an emotional nurturing role for the parent who he felt was suffering, so he kept his own feelings to protect that parent from further distress.
Interestingly, his mother believed that she had successfully hidden her ordeal from her son. Younger children often feel responsible for the family break-up, even if nothing was said or done to make them believe it. A seven-year-old girl whose parents have divorced told me that she knew that if she was a "really good girl," her mother would "let her dad back."
A four-year-old brother would explode in tantrums every two nights because he knew that if he screamed long enough, his mom would call his dad and ask him to come over to comfort him. Both children were well aware of their father's grief (although the father assured me that he hid it well and that they could not know) and both children believed they could bring their parents back together. All children feel the emotional state of their parents; Whether the parent shows it or not, he will act on what he feels rather than what he is told (or not, depending on the case).
The latter I know not only because the experience of research and counselling has informed me, but because I vividly remember how it felt to “know” my mother’s plight when she told me she was fine; "Knowing" my parents' marriage was a disgrace when they pretended otherwise; And to be told that my feelings were wrong when I felt them so clearly. The result was that I began to doubt my "knowledge" or my inner intuition, and when I later found out that these feelings were true, I actually became a very angry young man. After years of therapy, I have since worked with hundreds of people who have similar stories of their childhood and children amid similar situations.
One of the most important ways that parents can help their children feel safe and resilient in the midst of a family breakup is by being conformist; That is, what you say and do corresponds to how you feel and what is going on around your children. For example: If you are upset, at least don't deny it. If you can tell them that you're not very happy at the moment, something like; "I don't really want to feel sad right now, so I will try to make myself feel better." So do what's appropriate in the moment - whether it's to go for a run or make a cup of tea - so your child can see how you can effectively manage your emotions and can take responsibility for the way you handle them. If he or she is also feeling down, you can suggest that they sit down together and talk about the feelings and then figure out what you can do to make yourselves feel better. Most adverse situations can also be good opportunities to learn and build resilience.
Of course, I do not support parents sharing inappropriate and "adult" information with their children. Nor am I suggesting that parents trust their grief or share it with the children. What I suggest is that when you feel upset, and especially when children's questions indicate that they feel something is wrong, don't deny those feelings. Let them know that their feelings are valid and that there are ways to express negative feelings and even change them appropriately.
Considering the dispute?
If you are in open conflict with another parent of your children, any harm caused by your children can be mitigated when you are able to control your emotions and the degree of escalation between the two of you, especially when the children are around. Regardless of the level of disagreement between the two of you, it is important for children to be reassured that they are not at fault, and if they witness a conflict, they are also witnessing that their parents resolve the disagreements, even if you simply agree to the disagreement.
Children are not equipped to deal with their parents in a conflict situation, and certainly not to watch or deal with their parents mistreating each other. Regardless of their age, children are afraid of conflict, just as after a divorce as before, and the fear they feel when they witness fighting, arguing, hostilities, withdrawal or disharmony between parents is very real and can be very harmful. One way this can manifest is that children learn to be aggressive and manipulative by seeing their parents' hostility. They can easily develop poor problem-solving skills and negative or disruptive behaviour, all of which can be avoided if parents are aware of the impact they have on their children and learn to manage their emotional actions.
I want to stress here the point made by Judge Haas in my opening quote: No matter what you think of the father of your other children, that person is the "other half" of your children, and when you talk about it as bad, you effectively tell your children that half of them are bad. It should be noted that studies have shown that disagreement between parents can be more harmful to children than the divorce itself.
Considering that parents forever!
No matter how bad your marriage or relationship ends, it's not the end of being a father. It may seem unreasonable at the time, but a failed marriage does not necessarily mean a failed parenting relationship.
Children's interests are realized when parents can work together to take responsibility for their upbringing. Although it may seem daunting at first, co-parenting can allow for sharing of responsibilities without overburdening one parent (as is often the case with single custody). Parenting is a privilege as well as a responsibility, and children need a relationship with both their parents - they deserve their parents to make an effort to cooperate and make sure this vital need is met. It can be helpful to remember that parents have different skills, roles, and assets that are important to their children, and making an effort to work together allows parents to fully and completely integrate these different skills, roles, and assets for their children.
However, if for any reason it is impossible to cooperate with the parents, supporting your children to maintain a consistent relationship with their other parent and refraining from making negative comments or speaking negatively about him or her (no matter how tempting), will ensure that your child experiences a breakup Family with less long-term stress or trauma. If all of this seems confusing, it can be very helpful to "take it home": bring your attention and focus back to yourself, where you already have some control!
Bring it home!
1. When you feel overwhelmed or have another uncomfortable feeling, take time to let go of the feelings, either physically if you can (running, jumping, walking briskly, etc.) or by writing in a notebook, even yelling into a pillow can help. Then follow it up immediately by taking a few minutes to slow your breathing and lengthen your exhalation, preferably while gently placing a hand on your chest. Note any place you feel tension (such as the shoulders) and let it go.
2. Begin each morning by focusing on the love you feel for your child or children and everything you can appreciate about them and being their parent. Allow yourself to breathe slowly and feel the love and appreciation, really feel it!
3. Choose one of the “stress parenting” behaviours you might do from the list below and commit to replacing it with one that is better, kinder, and more appropriate.
1. Threat
2. Being defensive
3. Reacts from the stress of the DIS or the ease of the DIS
4. Lecture
5. Disasters
6. Repair and Rescue
7. Guilt (either out of guilt or blame)
8. Shame
9. Etiquette stuffing
10. Try to make control look like "for their own good!"
11. Withdrawal of love or attention (passive aggressiveness)
12. Confusion between behaviour and identity
Check in with yourself and the list each weekend and recommit to your new, more positive parenting behaviours.
Divorce or ending a relationship is never easy, especially when it comes to children. But increasing your awareness of the emotional reality of you and your children, honouring those feelings, and taking steps to better manage them can go a long way in improving the experience and making it, if not completely stress-free, at least less stressful!
When you feel overwhelmed or have another uncomfortable feeling, take time to let go of the feelings, either physically if you can (running, jumping, walking briskly, etc.) or by writing in a notebook, even yelling into a pillow can help. Begin each morning by focusing on the love you feel for your child or children and everything you can appreciate about them and being their parent. Allow yourself to breathe slowly and feel the love and appreciation, really feel it!
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