Proof That WHAT EXACTLY IS A PARENT COORDINATOR?

What exactly is a parent coordinator?

When I went back to law school in the early forties, I didn't go to law school because I had nothing to do at home.

I ended up practicing family law, administrative law and criminal law.

What is the parent format you ask? While it is tempting to provide a quick definition based on Florida's legislative vision of what it is supposed to be, the scathing criticisms that some authors have piled on demand a more in-depth response.

When I went back to law school in the early forties, I didn't go to law school because I had nothing to do at home. At the time, law school was one of the most competitive schools a young man could try, and changing life with family was an almost impossible task, and a whole host of responsibilities arose. I went to law school to study constitutional and environmental law. I ended up practicing family law, administrative law and criminal law.

The family court is an interesting place to practice law. This is where the most important people in our lives, our identity structure, are affected by every decision, every action and every failure to act. Kindness to your ex can be used against you, and agreeing to adjust the schedule for a special occasion can become a requirement to adjust it when and where necessary. It's a place where ancestors can become enemies, while significant others give world wars an inferiority complex.

Coordinating parenting in Florida was proposed several years before its final passage. The Legislature passed it, but then-governor Jeb Bush vetoed it. He believed that the original concept gave too much power to the parenting coordinator and not enough oversight from the court. The idea has been modified several times and there have been many reports and committees working together to try to find a good balance for parents, children, courts and the overall family structure, while preserving vital individual rights. It was signed by Governor Charlie Christ in 2009 and passed by the Florida Supreme Court in 2010.

Florida Legislation: 61.125 states: "The purpose of parenting coordination is to provide a child-cantered alternative dispute resolution process in which the parenting coordinator assists parents in creating or implementing a parenting plan by facilitating the resolution of conflicts between parents by providing education, recommendations and, with prior consent from the parents and the court, to make decisions that are limited within the framework of the court's referral order." The law states that if there is a stipulation or order pursuant to which a parenting plan is made, parents may request, or the court may appoint, a paternity coordinator to assist parents in resolving disputes related to that parenting plan.

Well... in English. If the court has ordered or approved a parenting plan and the parents do not appear to be working together to implement that plan, the court may appoint a parenting coordinator to assist them. The court empowers the paternity coordinator to use many different resources to help parents. The key words here are "court orders or adopt a parenting plan".

Parenting is a very difficult task. It is perhaps one of the most difficult things we do in our lives. When two people work together to raise children, we have to face challenges with a united front, or at least try. What happens when we can't do that? What happens when we decide to split up and try to raise kids together... apart? What happens to grandparents? Who takes the children to school? Who goes home from work when the kids are sick? What happens when we meet someone else and share with the children?

All these questions can lead to stress and tension even in the most amicable breakup. No one starts out thinking that they will fight for 18 years for every child. But unfortunately it happens. It happens to good people who mean good will, who try to do their best and care for the children they love. It happens to people who have been ordered by a court to do things with their children that they don't want.

For years, the legal system has tried to work with parents to devise solutions that are in the best interests of children. The court does its best with the information it receives. Unfortunately, this information is limited by the time, quality and/or presence of the lawyers and the person sitting on the platform. Over the last 30 years, mediation has come a long way to help parents and courts find more personal solutions for the individual family. For most parents, this system works.

Then there are the parents who just can't work together. Those who return to court again and again with disagreements about children, their new significant other, grandparents, choosing custody, when to take time off, and hundreds of other questions arise every day. This is where coordination between parents comes in.

Parental coordination is a child-cantered approach that means working with parents to break patterns, find solutions, and try to improve communication between two people in a child-cantered focus. Modern courts are not equipped to solve problems that arise quickly, so battles go on, sometimes for months, and children and parents get stuck in a pattern that keeps repeating itself. Keep in mind that while all matches are in progress, there is a court order. It is not a "legal offer" and can create new problems for parents and children.

In Florida, parenting coordinators must be trained in psychology, psychiatry, or law. * They should be familiar with family dynamics in family law settings, including domestic violence, and child abuse issues, and should be trained in family mediation. They must be able to work with families of all backgrounds. They must have thick skin, and they must be willing to use all the tools the courts and legislature have given them to help parents find methods, ideas, and programs that put children's needs first. They must be able to use their experience and knowledge of the system, family law procedures and real issues that deal with the intense personal situations that parents and children face. They must be able to think outside the box of traditional treatments that will never work for a certain group of people.

Parental coordination is not available to everyone. First, the court must make a decision that the parents can afford. Unlike some articles written on the subject, prices are often set by the court, and the court, not parents, decides how the costs are shared. Parental coordination can last for weeks, months, or years depending on the parents' ability to comply with court orders. The court can review the process periodically, and the parties always have access to their attorney. Conventional treatments are available to fathers and a paternity coordinator, and the judge retains jurisdiction over the case at all times. A court order defines what a parenting coordinator can and cannot do, and the legislator has set strict standards that must be followed. Confidentiality is strictly enforced except in specific cases stipulated by law.

The court usually orders parent-to-parent coordination after several disputes and many appearances lead to further disagreements. Parents can also proactively ask a parenting coordinator to help them if the disagreement in the relationship becomes too difficult or if they find themselves going back to court multiple times due to problems, no They can solve it on their own.

Parental coordination is a process. It's not mediation where you go once or twice, sign an agreement and move on - but mediation is a tool that can be used. It is not subject to arbitration because a real judge has already heard cases several times and issued an order - although arbitration techniques are tools that can be used. It's not a facilitation - although many supportive people such as doctors, extended families, and counsellors can be brought in to share ideas and develop personalized solutions. It's not psychology - although understanding psychology and family dynamics is an important piece of the puzzle. This is not the law - however, a parenting coordinator must have a working knowledge of the law and procedures to help participants comply with a court order, or direct them to seek an attorney when necessary. Parenting coordinators should not work as judges, lawyers, psychologists, or therapists, but they should be able to see the whole picture from these perspectives. While doing all of this, they must remain impartial and be prepared to take the necessary steps to help children, courts, and parents move forward with the process.

It is not a program for the faint of heart or for beginners. The legislature and the courts have established strict and detailed professional requirements and codes of conduct and are strictly enforced to protect parents and parenting coordinators.

Parental coordination can be extremely beneficial for all involved. There is no greater outcome than finding a way to each individual's ability to work together to successfully raise children and to provide those children with loving relationships with both parents where possible.

A warning to those reading this article. There has been great criticism of the parents' coordination efforts and violence in the home. Domestic violence comes in many forms. It's not always obvious or physical, and not something to be taken lightly. Parenting coordinators are trained in domestic violence, and often when domestic violence is a significant factor in a relationship, parenting coordination is not recommended. To recommend a domestic violence case to a parenting coordinator, courts must make specific findings and obtain informed consent from all parties. There will be other articles on this site dealing with domestic violence, but it should be noted that in most cases the courts cannot refer a case if domestic violence is ongoing.

CONCLUSION

Parenting coordinators are trained in domestic violence, and often when domestic violence is a significant factor in a relationship, parenting coordination is not recommended. To recommend a domestic violence case to a parenting coordinator, courts must make specific findings and obtain informed consent from all parties. There will be other articles on this site dealing with domestic violence, but it should be noted that in most cases the courts cannot refer a case if domestic violence is ongoing.

Succeed With DIVORCE BETWEEN GOOD PARENTS

The DIVORCE BETWEEN GOOD PARENTS

When I read this quote from a family court judge, I was astonished by how much I reacted: Not only should this be required reading for all divorced parents, I thought, but there must be steps to implement it somehow!

“Remember this, because every time you tell your child what an 'idiot' his father is, or what an 'idiot' his mother is, or how bad an absent parent is, or the awful things this person has done, you are telling the child his bad half.

Think more of your children and less of yourselves, and make of yourself a kind of selfless love, not foolish or selfish, otherwise your children will suffer.

The loneliness, confusion, and anxiety of being a child torn between his parents, and the anxiety and stress of dealing with all the complexities of a divorce that parents go through, can only be described as horrible.

For all divorced parents

Your children came into this world because of you. Perhaps you both made poor choices about who you decided to be the other parent. If so, then this is your problem and your fault. No matter what you think of the other end—or what your family thinks of the other—these kids are half of each one of you.”

When I read this quote from a family court judge, I was astonished by how much I reacted: Not only should this be required reading for all divorced parents, I thought, but there must be steps to implement it somehow! Of course I know it's not possible, but I feel it should be! Here is the rest of the quote:

“Remember this, because every time you tell your child what an 'idiot' his father is, or what an 'idiot' his mother is, or how bad an absent parent is, or the awful things this person has done, you are telling the child his bad half. It's unforgivable to do to a child. It's not love. It's property. If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as if you cut them to pieces because that's what you do with their feelings.

I sincerely hope you don't do this to your children. Think more of your children and less of yourselves, and make of yourself a kind of selfless love, not foolish or selfish, otherwise your children will suffer. ”

Judge Michael Haas - Family Court Judge, Minnesota, USA

I myself am the product of two divorced parents, also what you might call a "multiple divorcee" while raising a child. I know myself how painful it is - to be in both situations. The loneliness, confusion, and anxiety of being a child torn between his parents, and the anxiety and stress of dealing with all the complexities of a divorce that parents go through, can only be described as horrible. It's easy to see why parents sometimes fail to notice how deeply children are affected by the changes in their world and the adjustments they must make.

My own experience played an important role in my choice to become a child divorce counsellor and advocate. Over the past two decades, I have spent much of my practicing time helping divorced parents create more mindful and mindful transitions for their children and, in many cases, helping them develop collaborative and shared parenting that has resulted in their children adjusting well. Adults who have a good relationship with both parents. This, as you might imagine, is not easy, but it is nonetheless possible and can be relatively free with the right support!

At the beginning of a family breakup, it can be difficult to know what causes the least possible harm to children. There are certainly many different beliefs and schools of thought on this subject, and ultimately, in most cases, parents are the people best equipped to know the needs of their children - as long as they are not immersed in their own emotions and agendas. Judgment becomes dark. Unfortunately, this is often the case.

The good news is that there are some basic considerations and some subjective questions that can go a long way in helping parents gain clarity and increase their ability to "do right" by their children.

Thinking about hiding How do you feel?

As parents, we want to protect our children and we may think that we are hiding our pain and distress and that our children are not aware of how we are feeling. We can also assume that since the child does not show any anxiety or sadness, he is handling the situation well. But none of these assumptions are reliable. For a variety of reasons—depending on age, scene, mood, and family dynamics—children will keep their sad feelings inside.

A six-year-old I was working with was convincing his parents that he hadn't been bothered by their divorce for more than two years. In the end, he had nightmares so often that his mother called for help. The young man said to me with a proud smile; "I have a lot of bad feelings, but no one knows because I keep them all inside of me! You see, I don't want my mother to feel any worse."

Needless to say, the focus of my sessions with him became helping him find and accept ways to express his feelings. Like many children in the same situation, he played an emotional nurturing role for the parent who he felt was suffering, so he kept his own feelings to protect that parent from further distress.

Interestingly, his mother believed that she had successfully hidden her ordeal from her son. Younger children often feel responsible for the family break-up, even if nothing was said or done to make them believe it. A seven-year-old girl whose parents have divorced told me that she knew that if she was a "really good girl," her mother would "let her dad back."

A four-year-old brother would explode in tantrums every two nights because he knew that if he screamed long enough, his mom would call his dad and ask him to come over to comfort him. Both children were well aware of their father's grief (although the father assured me that he hid it well and that they could not know) and both children believed they could bring their parents back together. All children feel the emotional state of their parents; Whether the parent shows it or not, he will act on what he feels rather than what he is told (or not, depending on the case).

The latter I know not only because the experience of research and counselling has informed me, but because I vividly remember how it felt to “know” my mother’s plight when she told me she was fine; "Knowing" my parents' marriage was a disgrace when they pretended otherwise; And to be told that my feelings were wrong when I felt them so clearly. The result was that I began to doubt my "knowledge" or my inner intuition, and when I later found out that these feelings were true, I actually became a very angry young man. After years of therapy, I have since worked with hundreds of people who have similar stories of their childhood and children amid similar situations.

One of the most important ways that parents can help their children feel safe and resilient in the midst of a family breakup is by being conformist; That is, what you say and do corresponds to how you feel and what is going on around your children. For example: If you are upset, at least don't deny it. If you can tell them that you're not very happy at the moment, something like; "I don't really want to feel sad right now, so I will try to make myself feel better." So do what's appropriate in the moment - whether it's to go for a run or make a cup of tea - so your child can see how you can effectively manage your emotions and can take responsibility for the way you handle them. If he or she is also feeling down, you can suggest that they sit down together and talk about the feelings and then figure out what you can do to make yourselves feel better. Most adverse situations can also be good opportunities to learn and build resilience.

Of course, I do not support parents sharing inappropriate and "adult" information with their children. Nor am I suggesting that parents trust their grief or share it with the children. What I suggest is that when you feel upset, and especially when children's questions indicate that they feel something is wrong, don't deny those feelings. Let them know that their feelings are valid and that there are ways to express negative feelings and even change them appropriately.

Considering the dispute?

If you are in open conflict with another parent of your children, any harm caused by your children can be mitigated when you are able to control your emotions and the degree of escalation between the two of you, especially when the children are around. Regardless of the level of disagreement between the two of you, it is important for children to be reassured that they are not at fault, and if they witness a conflict, they are also witnessing that their parents resolve the disagreements, even if you simply agree to the disagreement.

Children are not equipped to deal with their parents in a conflict situation, and certainly not to watch or deal with their parents mistreating each other. Regardless of their age, children are afraid of conflict, just as after a divorce as before, and the fear they feel when they witness fighting, arguing, hostilities, withdrawal or disharmony between parents is very real and can be very harmful. One way this can manifest is that children learn to be aggressive and manipulative by seeing their parents' hostility. They can easily develop poor problem-solving skills and negative or disruptive behaviour, all of which can be avoided if parents are aware of the impact they have on their children and learn to manage their emotional actions.

I want to stress here the point made by Judge Haas in my opening quote: No matter what you think of the father of your other children, that person is the "other half" of your children, and when you talk about it as bad, you effectively tell your children that half of them are bad. It should be noted that studies have shown that disagreement between parents can be more harmful to children than the divorce itself.

Considering that parents forever!

No matter how bad your marriage or relationship ends, it's not the end of being a father. It may seem unreasonable at the time, but a failed marriage does not necessarily mean a failed parenting relationship.

Children's interests are realized when parents can work together to take responsibility for their upbringing. Although it may seem daunting at first, co-parenting can allow for sharing of responsibilities without overburdening one parent (as is often the case with single custody). Parenting is a privilege as well as a responsibility, and children need a relationship with both their parents - they deserve their parents to make an effort to cooperate and make sure this vital need is met. It can be helpful to remember that parents have different skills, roles, and assets that are important to their children, and making an effort to work together allows parents to fully and completely integrate these different skills, roles, and assets for their children.

However, if for any reason it is impossible to cooperate with the parents, supporting your children to maintain a consistent relationship with their other parent and refraining from making negative comments or speaking negatively about him or her (no matter how tempting), will ensure that your child experiences a breakup Family with less long-term stress or trauma. If all of this seems confusing, it can be very helpful to "take it home": bring your attention and focus back to yourself, where you already have some control!

Bring it home!

1. When you feel overwhelmed or have another uncomfortable feeling, take time to let go of the feelings, either physically if you can (running, jumping, walking briskly, etc.) or by writing in a notebook, even yelling into a pillow can help. Then follow it up immediately by taking a few minutes to slow your breathing and lengthen your exhalation, preferably while gently placing a hand on your chest. Note any place you feel tension (such as the shoulders) and let it go.

2. Begin each morning by focusing on the love you feel for your child or children and everything you can appreciate about them and being their parent. Allow yourself to breathe slowly and feel the love and appreciation, really feel it!

3. Choose one of the “stress parenting” behaviours you might do from the list below and commit to replacing it with one that is better, kinder, and more appropriate.

1. Threat

2. Being defensive

3. Reacts from the stress of the DIS or the ease of the DIS

4. Lecture

5. Disasters

6. Repair and Rescue

7. Guilt (either out of guilt or blame)

8. Shame

9. Etiquette stuffing

10. Try to make control look like "for their own good!"

11. Withdrawal of love or attention (passive aggressiveness)

12. Confusion between behaviour and identity

Check in with yourself and the list each weekend and recommit to your new, more positive parenting behaviours.

Divorce or ending a relationship is never easy, especially when it comes to children. But increasing your awareness of the emotional reality of you and your children, honouring those feelings, and taking steps to better manage them can go a long way in improving the experience and making it, if not completely stress-free, at least less stressful!

When you feel overwhelmed or have another uncomfortable feeling, take time to let go of the feelings, either physically if you can (running, jumping, walking briskly, etc.) or by writing in a notebook, even yelling into a pillow can help. Begin each morning by focusing on the love you feel for your child or children and everything you can appreciate about them and being their parent. Allow yourself to breathe slowly and feel the love and appreciation, really feel it!

OMG! The Best HOW TO BE A GREAT PARENT

How to be a great parent

While you may decide not to have kids yourself, I'm sure you've met kids and thought to yourself, how did that happen.

Instead of having to go out and buy a parenting book, I've included how to be a great parent here for you.

Well, in my office when it comes to training kids, it's more about the parents than the kid.

Not many parents attended training programs on how to raise a child.

This is where I tell kids that no matter what they want in life, whether it's now, this weekend, or next year, parents will only say yes if they build up enough good finance to get a yes.

No matter how amazing your life is now or later, you will encounter children. While you may decide not to have kids yourself, I'm sure you've met kids and thought to yourself, how did that happen.

I met a woman who made me smile when she told me, "Patrick loves kids, I can't eat a whole one"

Many of the parents I've met have made the biggest mistake of their lives by focusing more on the pursuit of money than on their children. Parents work long hours and children suffer. Never put money in front of the kids or your spouse, not if you want a great love relationship and life.

Some people wonder how the art of love can make a child turned into such a monster. Instead of having to go out and buy a parenting book, I've included how to be a great parent here for you.

If you are currently struggling to learn how to love and guide your children, this chapter will give you the answers. While you internalize this, let me drop some patriarchal myths along the way. So just read the principles and you'll understand when kids go crazy, we can save them.

Every day I go to my office, I come face to face with my father. 90% of the time you will be a mother. She will explain to me in great detail what she thinks (guess) is wrong with her child. Then he asks me if I want to talk to the baby to see if I can fix "that". Then I went out and brought the baby to sit in my office while you go out and wait.

The expectation is, of course, that the child who just got in won't be the same as the kid when he comes out again. Somehow I want to "fix" this child, because it is clearly broken. That's what moms tell me at least, and I have about twenty minutes to get it done.

So the first thing I do is remember all my training over all these years and then the little Mexican guy named Cesar Milan (The Dog Whisperer). You can't imagine that this famous dog trainer is training the dog and not the owner, right? Well, in my office when it comes to training kids, it's more about the parents than the kid. Like my friend Cesar, he knows the dog has been trained to behave a certain way and needs to be retrained by the dog owner. I have to retrain the parent as well as the child. This shouldn't come as a surprise at all. Not many parents attended training programs on how to raise a child.

In these following examples, I am talking about children ages 8 and up. With guys 8-15 years old, I can still get away with the credible story of building the bank. This is where I tell kids that no matter what they want in life, whether it's now, this weekend, or next year, parents will only say yes if they build up enough good finance to get a yes.

Amazing Banking Technology

Here's how easy and deep it is. We agree that children need both discipline and praise. By the way, I use praise 90% of the time, it is easier to look for it and it works 100% more for a child. Most parents I've met never understand praise and what it does to a child. They are too busy watching and expect all the wrong things to happen. Again, as I said throughout this book, it's a trick of the mind, this time by the parents.

I first prepare the child to understand that he has to do things for free around the house. This means jobs, i.e. jobs they can handle. This teaches the child to contribute to the family and the home. So when the tasks are done, I want the child to look for ways to build a money bank using more functions, but this time they will use the additional functions they do as currency.

This is how it works:

I was asked to help a 14 year old girl who didn't get this at all. She didn't want any part of my plan until you said, "I'm the only person on earth who can get your parents off your back." This caught her attention. From there she explained how she would have to work hard to re-enter the family so that both parents could trust her again.

She had a history of truancy, not doing homework, bad grades, and using bad language. Everyone who remembers has been trained. I was able to find the missing piece of this little girl's puzzle by listening to her, something she told me her parents never did. She told me that every time she tried to tell her parents how she felt, they yelled at her and told her to go to her room.

So, now excited and looking forward to the next two weeks of hard work and looking for opportunities to do more for his parents, this happy little one is back. I didn't say a word to the mother.

Two weeks later the mother came back with her daughter and started telling me how much the baby had changed. The mother went to tell me that her daughter started working at home, was kind to her brother and sister, and stayed at school. When it was the girls' turn to enter, she was angry and upset. She told me she did everything she suggested but her parents didn't do anything good or anything.

This is the case for many parents who do not even know how to praise, let alone recognize the times when a child needs praise. I spent most of the time with my mother explaining my idea to her daughter to build a bank with jobs and good behaviour in return for special rewards like having a friend to spend the night. The mother went away and began to praise her child even more. They were both so happy the last time they all met because we retrained them to look at life differently.

Change what doesn't work

Jack was an 8 year old boy out of control (mother's description) who attended my practice for anger problems. The story was that Mom lost control and Jack won and loved every minute of it. When I asked the mother if Jack misbehaved in front of his father, the answer was no.

This is a very common situation and can often cause major problems in a marriage or partnership. A child's view of his father is completely different from his view of his mother.

Little Jack made his mother scared, and the mother forgot who an adult was. She spent most of her day running after him, literally. If she tries to get him to school on time, he'll be too fast for her and run around the house while she's chasing and yelling at him.

But if your dad was at home, little Jack was an angel. Do you understand what is going on in this family? Yes, Jack is in charge and my mom is not.

My business had to start with my mother. I found that my mom did most of the parenting while my dad was at work. But the father got tired of the mother because she could not control the child, so the parents were in crisis.

The slight difference here was that one parent represented fear for young Jack, while the other parent did not. The father just had to look at the child and Jack did what he was told. However, Mom had to scream, chase, and slap Jack often to get him to act.

Of course, like all mothers, she would try to have Jack sit down and talk to him about why he should have acted. The technique of talking to a young child using adult language does not work like the word respect. I've done it all the time and all the time it didn't work, I kept doing it.

Remember this as long as you live your wonderful life. When it comes to children and behaviour, fear is a greater motivator than pain.

The father created fear in Jack and the mother created pain. Screaming, chasing and slapping Jack, all my mom produced was a temporary pain that slowed Jack down.

She also trained Jack to never seek attention other than pain. He got used to the smells and screaming.

I always ask all parents this question. Did you treat your parents with such disrespect when you were that age?

Don't let your child be disrespectful

It still amazes me that while the mom in the middle was telling me how disgustingly rude and disrespectful her child is, she still doesn't understand it. I've literally boycotted thousands of parents and asked this question and the parent would always say "Impossible." When I ask a parent why they don't mistreat their parents, they usually tell me that they are very scared. So of course I can't help myself and just have to ask the obvious question. So why do you keep letting your child do that?

The most common answer I hear is! "I do not know the reason".

The correct answer was that they themselves became fearful as parents. This is why they teach their children bad manners. Parents become so fearful that it will be easier in their minds to let the child misbehave rather than having to deal with it directly.

Yes, the child needs your love, but you have to train that child. The problem is that it's the other way around.

Let me explain...

I had the parents of a wild 15-year-old girl who came to my office in tears. There is no doubt that Monica through their account has complete control over both parents. It is clear that she received similar training at a young age as Little Jack. Both parents ran out of ideas. Here's what they told me they did so far to change the girl's behaviour.

1 She took out her cell phone

Why would a 15-year-old need a cell phone that I hear you say to yourself?

2 They establish it, i.e. do not go out except to school

3- Preventing her from accessing the computer and the Internet

That was all they did and they were sitting in my office, tears streaming down her cheeks and tears streaming down her cheeks. I made them understand that here they were sitting in my office with the weight of the world on their shoulders and that their daughter was running her life and loving her.

I didn't even have to see the baby. It was the parents who needed more help, so here's what I asked them to do. Now, I already knew how they would react to what I was about to suggest in terms of new strategies, but I also knew that after doing it for many years in this way, it would give us the right result.

She began by telling them that her bedroom door should be removed, and then all her clothes should be removed. Then all the trinkets, furniture and makeup had to be discarded. They had to empty the child's room so that a mattress and her school uniform remained on the floor. They had to arrange to move the rest to another location.

When I outlined this strategy, the parents seemed more frightened than when they walked in. Then I told them to call all the parents of their daughter's friend and tell them that under no circumstances should their daughter be allowed into their house if she ran away again.

While I continued with my plan, the mother could no longer stand it and had to interrupt. I've waited for her. Imagine this, here I am jumping out of my seat and writing on the big board all the things we needed to do for their precious little boy!!!

Mother did not let me down. Like others before her, she tried to tell me why they couldn't do what I asked them to do. Even the father came in and said he thought the whole door was a little rough.

Now this happens every day in my office, so you have to forgive me for sounding a little harsh here, but it always blows out the parents' state of mind, so I have to help them along.

I started screaming and screaming at the top of my lungs at them. How dare you tell me what you should and shouldn't, what kind of parent you are anyway? Are you bad parents then? Do you hit her all the time? Do you give up because you can't get over your feelings? Is that all? Are you hiding behind your poor behaviour?

As I continued my screaming, it actually helped them enter a state of extreme fear and panic. Remember that people invent the thoughts and feelings that produce behaviour. These parents, with the help of Monica, created a complete mess and through perceived fear were unable to raise the child.

Both parents started defending and making excuses saying that I was exaggerating and the punishment did not fit the crime. I was more upset than before. Now they tell me that Monica, a 15-year-old girl who swears, assaults her family, drinks, smokes, and stays up all night, does not deserve to be punished. I didn't even call it a punishment, they did, and the reason they called it a punishment was because they couldn't get themselves to do anything about it.

Now that the three of us got into a heated argument and both parents were in awe and dread, I wanted to make sure they knew I was serious about fixing this mess. So I ended up telling them that if they didn't do as they were told, I would make sure the authorities found out from my report that they were both terrible parents.

The reaction was the same as all the others, they stopped, looked pale and their breathing became heavy, like a panic attack. Now was the moment that would change their lives forever.

Unbeknownst to them, during our heated little discussion, the mother kept her left arm on her chest and took a deep breath each time I suggested things to her to do. The father looked as if his stomach was busy moving in and out of his daughter's bedroom door.

So she made the mother sit on the big black "magic chair". I call it magic because that's where the magic of change often happens. I had her tell me where the fear and dread felt inside her and as expected it was in her chest. It made her close her eyes and see the picture that made her afraid. Then I made it shrink the image down until it was the size of a "postage stamp", and then it faded away. As I did, I had her sideways rub her chest with my hand.

When she opened her eyes, the fear was completely gone. Then I did the same with the father and his result was the same, and his fear was gone. Now I had my parents sitting in my office without any fear at all. I should do the same for any parent who brings up a child who is out of control.

I may add this was the beginning of a change in their views. Now with parents who are no longer afraid, the task is much more manageable. They both listened to all the exact instructions and plans I made for them both and had to come back a week later.

Now you can see why I needed these parents to really feel and experience the pain they were going through in that moment. I can only cure arachnophobia if I have a spider to use to make sure the person really feels the feelings, even though you know now that we make all of that fear ourselves. I can't help anyone overcome their fear of heights unless they try to be high with me.

These parents started their conversation thinking that at the age of 15, Monica was out of control, and they didn't know how to stop her. Everything became so emotionally painful and overpowering these fabricated feelings, the parents couldn't handle it. They can now understand their contribution to what did not work before.

By making the parents reach a peak of panic and anxiety that was as real as they could possibly feel, it had a much stronger effect when the fear was quickly removed. Then I was able to break down that feeling of a heartbeat.

It is so rewarding to see the parents after this first session, which I fondly call "Punishment". By the way, I'd like to thank my daughter-in-law Keith for that. This particular couple had the most fun working with him because they really loved not only their daughter, but each other. Sometimes I encounter a couple who have lost the love they once had for each other, so they communicate differently with children, which can cause all sorts of problems. If the spouses are not together in this matter, it is very difficult to achieve a complete reversal of bad behaviour by both parents and children.

When they came back they had smiles on their faces which is always a good sign for me. They told me that the child's reaction was exactly as I expected. She screamed loudly, threw things around the house and ran to the place of her closest friends. But her mother's best friends did as Monica's parents asked and did not allow her to stay in their house. Once again, I see these approaches bring success to parents.

Now a point here...

There is always one person, usually a woman (sorry, no disrespect meant), who feels the need to become Mother Teresa for personal reasons. you know what i mean. She's usually a single mom (by the way, that's okay) and is in desperate need of love and attention.

She will be the one who knows best what a parent knows, no matter what a parent says to her, and will take your child at night no matter what you tell them they can't do. She explodes it. She longs for the feeling she gets when a child runs away from home only to find shelter in her home. It's real and there are women who think they should do it.

I warned this couple that if they had one of these in their community, their daughter would know who she is and go there. Sure enough, their daughter knew about this woman and tried to get in, but this couple had taken notes and remembered her. The parents cleverly asked a close friend to go see this woman that night, so you can imagine the feeling this 15-year-old had when she exhausted all the other places to go, only to find that her mom's best friend is there and demanded that she leave immediately. This woman was also able to explain to Mother Teresa in that second that everything was going according to plan and that there was nothing to worry about. poor child!!

The couple took care of every detail, locked their house like a castle, turned off all the lights and went to bed. They may have sat there worried, but they were talking to each other and assuring each other that what they were doing was for the good of their child.

Remember now that this was a child who knew her way through the streets, she was not an angel of innocence. She had been separated for the past two years, which sparked fear in her parents and took to the streets. But I changed her little game. I've done this with hundreds of parents, and when the parents literally implemented the plan, it always worked. Always.

They only told me at 1.30am they heard a knock on the back door and it was her. They remember what to do. They both went to the door and did not open it, but asked who was there. The daughter answered, and it was the parents' job to listen to her voice and make sure they heard nothing but anger.

I didn't want to see her, just listen to her voice first. The daughter cried, she went everywhere she could to seek refuge and friends, but found nothing. It was the middle of winter and the baby had run away in a fit of rage and wasn't wearing any warm clothes. Well, her parents get rid of everything, remember!

How different is it from the times she ran away and tattooed to her friends how she could do whatever she wanted?

The parents said they were convinced that their daughter was sincere in her tears, then moved on to the next batch. I use the door of the house as a symbol, and I wanted the child to really understand and feel what it was like to have nowhere to go, and if she was smart, she would come home to another child.

Before opening the door, the parents sketched what her life would look like this time. They had their list of requests and "must-haves" to let her go home and back into the family.

If you agree, they will open the door and all start with a clean slate, without grumbling and raising old questions. If you don't agree, they'll turn off the lights and go back to sleep, leaving her alone.

No wonder they were smiling, I was then, they were brilliant. But to my surprise, the father moved to my office door, opened it, and their 15-year-old daughter came in. I was quite surprised and wondered if I was going to yell at her when she went and hugged me and said, "Dad and Mom told me you put our family back together for us, thank you very much." Well, I can honestly tell you that there was no dehydration in the office after that, even parents didn't think she would say that.

This family in crisis has felt the same emotional pain as millions of other families across our planet. I hope in telling you about this family I will tell you that there is such a thing as a happy family, and if your family is in crisis, the most important thing to remember is:

Don't trick your brain into thinking that a child will do horrible things if you don't let him get what he wants. Children need to grow, they need to experience and understand emotions. I've heard almost every threat a child can present to a parent and me.

The child can try to convince his parents that these negative threats will be carried out. Once you succumb to these "alleged" threats, you have just trained this child to use them against you.

If for any reason you are interacting with your child and suddenly feel anxious or afraid, remove the feeling immediately before continuing the conversation. I showed you how to do it. If you don't, you will think the child will hurt themselves and then you will become a parent who is afraid to discipline the child or give him a wonderful, loving childhood because you come from fear and what if perspective. Don't be fooled by children's threats, these threats are really cries for help and they need their parents to take massive steps to turn things around.

For example, a young man of 11-16 years old wants to know if he fits in with others. This becomes their primary important priority in their life in this age. So reach out to them about it often so you can reassure them that they are indeed a good fit.

Remember when children go to school

You are no longer the most important person in his life.

I realize this may come as a shock to some parents, but please understand. Your love as a parent should be the love of letting them fall, of letting them fall so they can get up, and the love of letting them fail so that they alone know how to succeed. Only then will you have effectively prepared your child for adulthood.

All parents want a lot for their children, and sometimes that love can overwhelm them. Parents often use the phrase: "I just want to give my children what I did not have before." However, in saying this, I think we should teach them how to be happy for no reason, rather than trying to compare what our childhoods looked like. It shouldn't matter to your child's life, but we know it is. The best way to teach your kids to live a great life is to live it yourself. Learn by doing, not by saying.

If you overcompensate to get rid of the guilt and shame you still feel from your childhood, your child will suffer.

Overprotective parents can destroy a young woman's life before she has a chance to thrive. Love your children, but give them the freedom to learn from their actions and take responsibility for their actions.

I used to read to my four sons when they were young, and whenever I could I would always come up with a new book but make up the story instead of reading the book. When my sons were growing up, I told them stories about what it was like when their grandfather was alive and about my life when I was a boy their age.

They have heard stories of how people had to queue all day in the pouring rain just to buy sugar. Times like these in the evolution of our planet must teach future generations.

Today, my sons are parents, and they often report that these stories really grounded them and made them feel grateful, appreciate what they have, and understand what others don't.

Today, my sons and their children suffer from the father's minefields of cell phones, the Internet, and social media. I remind them to tell their children that when we can walk down Main Street and shop, and if anyone is thirsty, we'll stop at one of the many drinking fountains along the street for a drink of free water. Today they build huge complexes and surround you in concrete malls where the only place you can get water is from a plastic bottle that costs you a fortune.

Here's the real problem. As the world continues to change, so must your parenting skills.

Amazing love for a child

Today it is the parents who need the love of the child because the parent does not live a great life. Many parents I see have ruined relationships, marriages and very stressful lives. So in order to get love, parents yearn to love their child at any cost. When it's time to say no to the child and say no, the parent can't. Now we have a guilty parent and an out-of-control child being trained by the ignorant parent.

I don't remember how many smart kids sat in my office and told me about the futility of their parents. They tell me things like "Patrick, my parents take my iPod away for being naughty. They say it's gone for a week but I know I'll have it back in a couple of days, my mother always gives in."

This is the kind of parenting that confuses the child and trains them that the parent doesn't mean what is being said, and so they can do whatever they want.

Parents today live in fear of many things. You don't have to believe this trick. Stop, don't buy the child threat myth. Instead, be an honest, trusted parent. This illogical and politically correct statement that children have rights has been widely used.

No one has ever prevented me from photographing or taking pictures of my children or grandchildren. Many have tried, but I told them to go away otherwise.

You should be a parent, not a friend

Today it is the parents who need the love of the child because the parent does not live a great life. Now we have a guilty parent and an out-of-control child being trained by the ignorant parent. This is the kind of parenting that confuses the child and trains them that the parent doesn't mean what is being said, and so they can do whatever they want.

How To Teach UNDERSTAND THE AGGRESSIVE PARENTING BEHAVIOURS USED TO DISRUPT THE PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP

Understand the aggressive parenting behaviours used to disrupt the parent-child relationship

When I first got married, I didn't know that there was a 50% chance that my marriage would end in divorce. During our marriage we had a child and again, I did not know that there was a one in six chance that my divorce would turn out to be a "major conflict" and that my child would be used by an angry, vengeful eg to avenge the failure of our marriage. In the years since my divorce, the mother's behaviour has intensified. I finally learned what terms like parental exclusion (PA), mean, parental alienation syndrome (PAS), and aggressive parenting (HAP), and experienced how easy it is to manipulate the family law system through false allegations.

In 1985 Dr introduced Richard Garner, a forensic psychiatrist, coined the term PAS in an article titled "Recent Trends in Divorce and Custody Claims", where he defined PAS as "a disorder that occurs mainly in custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is a campaign of discrediting children against one parent, a campaign that has no merit. It is the result of a combination of programming (brainwashing) by the other parent and the child's own contributions to discredit the targeted parent." Several years later, Ira Daniel Turcot presented "Malignant Mother Syndrome Related to Divorce". 

The behaviours associated with both syndromes are relatively similar and include aggressive, aggressive parenting behaviour in an attempt to isolate the child from the other parent. The latter, however, focuses on the mother's behaviour, while PAS can be associated with both the mother and the father. Today, PA or PAS are common terms used to define the practice of attempting to isolate a child or children from a parent, regardless of gender.

The official statement of the American Psychological Association (APA) on PAS notes "a lack of data to support the so-called parental alienation syndrome and raises concerns about the use of the term." However, the American Psychological Association (APA) has stated that it "has no official position on the alleged syndrome". Advocates against PAS believe it is a form of child psychological abuse, and the APA's refusal to address PAS leaves "target parents" lacking resources to combat the problem. At the same time, there are those who rule out the validity of the PAA and believe that it is used as an excuse by abusive parents during custody challenges to explain their child or children's hostility towards them. In some cases this can be very true.

In his article, "A New Definition of Parental Alienation: What's the Difference Between Parental Alienation (PA) and Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)?" Dr. Douglas Darnall focuses on behaviour and defines "Parental Alienation (PA), rather than PAS, as any constellation of behaviours, whether conscious or unconscious, that may cause a disruption in the relationship between a child and the other parent." In short, PA teaches the child to hate the other parent, leading to alienation from the parent. With a focus on behaviour, Dr. Darnall a more pragmatic approach to PA acceptance by lawyers, therapists and family courts.

The tactics or tools that parents use to alienate the child range from simply hurting the other parent in front of the child; - encourage others to do the same, so that the child is bombarded daily with negative remarks; To report allegations of abuse or neglect to child protective services or family law. This behaviour is known as aggressive aggressive parenting. One technique described by author John T. Steinbeck's Children's Brainwashing Book is that some "hostile fathers who remarry will have one or more children call the stepfather, 'Daddy,' as a technique used to devalue the biological parent." Parental separation syndrome is a condition. Aggressive parenting is aggressive behaviour.

Aggressive aggressive parents are unable to move on. They are stuck in the past and focus on revenge for the failure of their marriage and the control they had during the marriage. They manipulate family law and child protective services in an attempt to maintain control over the ex-spouse. They take no responsibility for their actions, blame everyone else and put themselves above the child's own good. Therapist-turned-family law attorney Bill Eddy notes in his article "Personality Disorders and False Claims in Family Court" that there is a "prevalence of personality disorders in high-conflict divorce and custody cases where false claims are used." 

The most prevalent is borderline personality disorder, followed by narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder. This explains the lack of empathy for the child's emotional state and the ability to manipulate family law and child protection services so easily. Parents with antisocial personality disorder will play the role of the "victim." They are experts at manipulation and lies because they actually believe their lies justify what they do.

Not all children can learn to hate. Some have a strong relationship with parents. Steinbeck also notes that in some cases "the separated parent feels that the other parent has a very strong working relationship with the child or children, and is irrationally concerned that this positive relationship will somehow affect their relationship with the child. " A child who is old enough to decide who they want to live with can result in a reversal of financial obligations, where the non-custodial parent is obligated to pay child support and provide medical coverage for the child. HAP can only be a financial incentive. Regardless of the motives, attempting to distance a child from a parent by using aggressive parenting tactics or parental alienation tactics is psychological child abuse.

It is much easier to remove a child when a child is separated from their parents. False allegations in family court of abuse or neglect will greatly limit the parent-child relationship and will have limited time spent under supervision. The standard divorce decree has already reduced the non-custodial parent to a visitor in the life of the child or children with a visitation schedule on the first, third and fifth weekends of the month. Now the parent is limited to a "supervised" visitation schedule of three or four hours a month. Supervised visitation programs are manipulated as easily as family law manipulations, for example, parents simply need to call in at the last minute to request a rescheduling.

The family court will always support the claims and the court is very slow. Depending on the skill of the lawyer, this separation period can last for several months. This gives the 'target parent' extra time to teach the child to dislike the 'target parent', as well as drains the 'target parent's' financial resources.

A lawyer once told me that "the only place people lie more than family court is in the pub." Family law suffers from false claims simply because it is a very effective tool for quickly severing the relationship between parent and child. Family court does not prosecute false claims, which is why false claims are common. The claims do not have to be specific. Some attorneys advise clients to keep the allegations vague so that investigative agencies like Child Protection Services don't get involved, since their reports carry a lot of weight in court. A claim in family law can be as vague as "the father is a danger to the child." This is enough for the family court to order that visitation be withheld or supervised, but not specifically enough to involve child protective services.

Family law is a system of guilt by accusation. Once charged, it is the defendant's responsibility to prove that the allegations are false. The accused parent will likely be sentenced to a supervised visit with the child or children, as well as to complete a psychological assessment and interview with mediators and parenting coordinators, all at personal expense. He may also pay for a forensic examination, also called a social examination assessment, to prove that claims are false. The accused parent will spend thousands, or perhaps tens of thousands, of dollars trying to prove the accusations false - eventually finding himself/herself financially drained and psychologically exhausted. 

The accused parent may lose their relationship with the child or children just because they run out of money to keep fighting. Unfortunately, this also results in the child losing his loving father. David Levy, co-founder of Child Rights Adviser and author of The Best Parent is Both Parents, stated, “President Obama talks a lot about absentee parents who take responsibility. (But) he may not realize that there are millions of parents, who want to be involved (in the lives of their children).” ". The struggle for the "right of the child to both parents" is a costly battle - both financially and psychologically. Lots of parents lose out just because they run out of money.

The solution is to define “in the best interests of the child” as “the right of the child to both parents” and then protect that right. Don't ignore false claims. It is understood that claims must be investigated; However, if it is proven false, the parent who made the false allegations must be prosecuted. Ask this parent to complete a psychological assessment. Intervene to protect the child when you hear your friend or relative make negative comments about the child's father or other aggressive parental behaviour. 

Let the child know that both parents love him. Encourage hostile parents to seek treatment to find a solution and to stop using the child to "balance." One thing is for sure: When a parent tries to separate a child from a parent just to avenge a failed marriage, the child experiences emotional pain. Because this pain was intentionally inflicted, it is child psychological abuse. If you engage in or allow aggressive, aggressive parenting behaviour in an attempt to distance a child from a parent, you are complicit in the child's psychological abuse. Stand up and protect the rights of the child and his parents.